I faced my biggest fear! No, not spiders. I faced the one person who always managed to throw me off balance. However much I tried, prepared, and practiced, he always managed to find the right button to bring me close to tears - unfortunately not tears of joy they were. Oh, those big strands of nerves this man has cost me when I had to propose or ask for something - and not just my nerves, dear hubbies as well. Poor Detlef had to listen through all the reasoning, the pros the cons, the 'on how to phrase it' over and over again, before I dared entering the lion's den. This man has more lines in my book than anybody else. Maybe I should even thank him, as otherwise the book would be rather short.
As I type, I have known him for more than ten years, and whenever I listened to conversations he was involved in I understood his point of views, they basically were my own. I understood his decisions, I would have taken the same. I could even understand the little quirks and oddities in his lifestyle. As soon as I had to talk to the bloke, all I wished was for the ground to open to please swallow me. My mum used to be able to reduce me back to my teenage years, in front of him I became a toddler.
About eight years in, I was talking to my mentor and I will never forget the moment: After a lot of fretting about all sorts of stuff I eventually got this bright spark. It literally felt bright in my head when I all of a sudden knew that all the fretting boiled down to one thing: 'I don't want to be scared anymore', I said and then I broke into tears.
It seems that I did a lot of crying back then. Even as a child I was known to live really close to the waterworks... but what can you do? It all happens on an emotional level, which in its very nature is rather uncontrollable. I guess, at that moment in this little room I understaood how the two are related. Whenever the fear turns into the feeling of being trapped the water starts flowing as a natural response. Others might become aggressive, I cry. Because it is humiliating, depression kicks in, self esteem goes down, vicious circle.
I decided there and then that I didn't want that anymore. And the process started - how could it be differently - with a worry: on one hand I liked to be emotional as it works on a positive level as well. I was known as the cheery, bubbly one. Somebody who inspires and makes others happy. Would I pour the child with the bath? Would I lose the happy me by abandoning the sad me? Would I become a dull, numb bitch?
Well, I took the risk and worked my way through the issues my little brain threw at me. It was hard, it was satisfying, I lost some friends along the way but I gained new ones as well. Turns out that if people are the right people for you, they will stick with you, and the others will be better off without you, and you will be better off without them. Although it sounds sad, it actually is a win-win. Have I become a dull, numb bitch? I am sure some people will think so. But as a matter of fact: I don't care anymore! There are still plenty of others who think that I am inspirational and gorgeous - bless them! I was worried that I might end up alone, but I didn't. In contrary, since I feel rooted in myself, I seem to be more appealing to people than ever before... who would have thought that?
Three years of soul searching and endless lines of writing I needed to find this out. And it is not just a conclusion that I repeat like a mantra to be able to live it. It is in me now, with every single cell of my body I can feel that I truly believe (in) myself. And today I got the proof that this is not just an illusion. The culmination point of all the hard work condensed in one phone call.
The outcome? Hmmm, how can I describe this? You know that I am a girl of colour. So imagine my early years in a colour scheme. Every build-up to a conversation was shades of purple, depending on the respective stage more raspberry for rage, or more blue for depressed. Then the conversation itself usually starting on a pale orange with purple spells, to then rise to a deep orange via red with flames, to then numb me in a dark burgundy. Then the aftermath - ash grey, imagine 'Iceland after the Volcano' grey, lasting for days until it eventually turned into a mid-blue which usually meant: leave me alone, avoiding situations like this.
This time it was different. Actually, there was one little slightly orange deep breath at the beginning and then there were a lot of yellows and greens... and at the end? White. Really! Nothing! A bit of pride, yes! But nothing loud or emotional. For the first time the feeling of being peers...
It seems that in this whole process I eventually learned to put a value onto myself, which allows me to negotiate. I think I am starting to grasp the concept. It is too simple to blame the other side. It was never his problem, was it? It always was mine. If I feel inadequate I cannot expect others to come down to my level, and I surely should not try to pull them down. I however can make my way up to their level. As soon as I had found my value I didn't feel inadequate anymore. And it seems that my newly gained negotioation skill might even have won me a new friend.
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