Voices

It is the first time in my life that I am truly on my own. I have friends for socialising and who give me advice and help if I need it, the decisions I take however, only have to concern me and the only voice I have to listen to is the one in my head.

... and it is interesting what this voice has to say!

I always felt that my biggest need was and always will be 'independence', and yet, I always committed to others, the husband, the boyfriend, my cats, houseplants, friends. I like to care. It takes no wonder that those two lifestyles clash when tasks become too manifold and something's gotta give.

One of the tasks I always wanted to achieve was my own business, I like the idea of having the freedom of decision making and to do what I am good at, which raises the question: What am I good at? I have many skills, which over a lifetime I could have developed to be good enough to make a business out of, but I never did. I think I figured it out now. Now, that I only have my own voice talking to me I cannot avoid hearing the odd uncomfortable truth about myself.

I am not a leader!

I can lead if I have to, but in the depth of my heart I am at my happiest, when I can support, and I am at my best when I am happy; a self-enhancing circle. I am a fantastic wing man; I am a carer and organiser, I have visions, I can improvise, but I need leaders to take those things on board to make  them reality. I am happy to work my rear off and all I need to keep going is a bit of praise. I need to know that I am of use. I need no money, no goods, I might be knackered, I might look like hell, but knowing that I am not living in vain will make it worthwhile and I will not crave independence.

Ever so often however, I felt taken for granted. If people know that you can do something, they stop the praise. This is a huge incentive to improve, I work even harder, learn even more, but there is the moment when I run out of steam, when I realise that I will not get this high powered energy back, that I am in a rut of commitment that is not appreciated anymore. That is the moment when I get all those ideas about running my own business. This is not for the money or the freedom, but to create something visual, a proof that I am good, that I still can do stuff.

Now: Building a business means talking to people, and that is where the voices come in. People see me as active and quite powerful and think I may be a leader. My ideas about the small coffee shop or the arts and craft studio all got smashed and I was encouraged to think big, be the leader of an enterprise, making money.

I am not a leader!

... and in order to show that I can do stuff, I need something that I can do.

I am not a spiritual person and the word meditation usually gives me the creeps, but there is something to be said for mulling over things without listening to the voices from the outside. What however, does mulling over mean? We always think we have to find answers to questions. I learnt that we have to find the right questions first.

Even if you are a leader, you might want to ask yourself how much control you need, how much you trust others. You may see hints of where your questions lie in how you communicate with others, if you praise or not, whether you bottle up or bring things into the open. Are you introvert or extrovert, does that conform with how people see you?

I did not like to find out how dependent my happiness is from other people's appraisal. I had to learn that I can find content on my own, but happiness for me lies in dependency from others. Now that I know that it is in my hands to decide how much happiness I need, or if content is enough. I can do my risk assessment before I give my commitment to someone. I did not like to find out that I am not suited to run a business as a front man. It is a lifelong dream to give up on. I probably could do it, but I quite likely would not gain the joy that I envisioned. So in a way I can be glad that I never dared.

Those little insights are paving my path into the future now: I will not aim to run my own business anymore, I will finish my work life in an office and may do a few bits and pieces on the side: a hobby that sells. I may keep my eyes open for a leader who lets me be the perfect wing man, though. My little voice is telling me that happiness is a goal worthwhile living for, after all!

Confidence! - Confidence?

Since I brought all that relationship and moving business behind me I have been thinking a lot about what it means 'to be confident'.

It is easy to appear confident in things one does a lot and hence is trained in. I know 18 year olds who have travelled the world while I still get nervous about all the if-s and when-s which might or might not happen. I however got better since I travelled to Indonesia.

I guess it then means that confidence shows in how we are coping in situations in which we are not trained in. Whether or not we are able to tackle them head on or chicken out. I am still not confident on the motorbike, but I confidently decide to get on it.

There is one more interesting aspect I recently learned about confidence. On my own, my confidence is rather thin; it usually gets inspired by others. As soon as I am with someone who I love and trust I can grow beyond myself. Maybe confidence is always a bit about fighting a battle, getting an obstacle out of the way - if I have to do that for myself, the easier way out is to just not do it. As soon as I do it for someone I cherish I become like a lioness fighting for her cubs.

That however implies the importance of people who allow me to fight for them and would mean that accepting help from someone gives this person the opportunity to grow. Looks like a win-win!

The Satisfaction of Rug Cleaning - Yep! Mean it!

My cleaner couldn't make it this week, and with two cats in the house there was no way around it: I had to do house work!

Well, for starters I have to admit that once in a while this is not a bad thing to do; cleaners have a tendency to work around uncomfortable things, while I just would like to know that/if/when my house is falling apart. It is nice to know that the vacuum needs new filter pads, that screws are coming off the shelves or the skirting boards are rising. I would like to employ somebody who sees the house as a valuable asset that needs to be maintained not just well presented; who would find out how I use the house in order to attend to the highly used areas more than the others, and who would actually go and find dirt. I can easily swipe and wipe through the middle bits of my house and make it presentable; I would like somebody, who makes it a task to challenge the house and it's tendency to fall into chaos.

However, today I took on this tasks with focus on rugs. My rugs are cheap. I have cats; what can I say? They nevertheless have the job - the rugs, not the cats - to make the room look homey and warm. If they are dirty and smelly they achieve quite the opposite. Well, that is kind of true for cats as well, but those definitely wouldn't like the treatment I gave my rugs today.

It's a myth

Do not believe that there is a vacuum cleaner out there that can clean carpets properly. These steamy things are working because they wash the carpet, but normal vacuums don't. We have to live with whatever they can do for carpets because those can't be lifted, I however will get you more dirt out of any rug, cleaned with whatever fancy vacuum, and believe me: I do have a fancy one.

De-dust and de-stink

Last opportunity for this year to use snow as the best of all rug cleaners. It was a bit icy already, it works nicer when it is still a bit fluffy, but it did the trick.

Usually I fold the rug in the middle and bash it against a flat vertical surface. A piece of wall just outside my rear door does the trick perfectly fine. This however only gets the dirt and dust out, not the stink. Today I threw them upside down into the snow and then used a broom to beat the hell out of them. In the olden days we had a proper carpet-beater, with a big head like a tennis racket and made from some flexible material like rattan; I am not even sure if they sell those these days. And we had a carpet rails, which could take room sized rugs. It is a fantastic workout and brilliant for anger management, believe me, and for the rest of the time I used it to improve my gymnastics skills. Today the broom would have to do, a bit of rage would have helped, and no gymnastics.

The secret is dampness

The snow collects the dust and won't let go of it again. When you vacuum there is always a bit of dust hanging in the air, however good the filters are: just scraping the vacuum head over the carpet whirls it up and it will settle again on it. If the suction is really high it sucks in a dense carpet and the head wouldn't slide over the surface easily, if it is not high enough it won't be able to get the dust from the bottom of a thick carpet. Beating out the dust and having it caught in something sticky is just a brilliant thing.

From the snow the rug gets ever so slightly damp and when that dries off in the fresh air, it takes all sort of stink away as well. 

De-fluff

So, I have cats and I have a cheap - synthetic, hence charged with static electricity - yet rather thick, rug. With a good vacuum brush you will get it looking nice... BUT!

Walking over a the fibres massages hair and all sorts of stuff into the fabric. It becomes interwoven. If you ever had needles of a Christmas tree stuck between the fibres you will know that they are reluctant to come out as they present their thinnest side to the suction and the brush. The way forward is a sponge or rubber gloves, (soapy) water and elbow grease. Again, it is dampness not wet we are after. If I use the sponge for rubbing I use soap made into foam, when I go for the rubber glove I only have a wet towel to moisten the glove a bit. 

And then the elbow grease comes into play; rubbing against the grain and trying to catch those reluctant fibres. A pattern like in my rug is a bit of a pain in the back side, because the grain changes direction every few inches - I shall consider this fact when buying a new one!

Now that the job is done I really enjoy the look of it; it really IS satisfying - if there just wouldn't be a next time!

A Hairy matter

Hair!

It's just the fiddly dead ends of our bodies, and it is one of the most important things for our self esteem. Bad hair-day equals bad mood, and going to the hairdresser can fall into the category of going to the gynaecologist. Just that the gynaecologist thing is over in a jiffy, a bad hair cut stays with you for month.

So we are all happy when we eventually found a friendly hairdresser who understands our head, we get used to the ambiance, there are nice chats, sometimes they even remember what you said last time, and when you go at the same time every six weeks, you may even see the same clients, which gives wonderful bonding opportunities.

There will be a day, however, on which things go wrong. Either staff changes, prices get raised and for that amount of money one could have gone to London to one of those posh coiffeurs... wondering how that would boost the confidence, or quite simply the hairdresser got bored of you. As a new customer you are not just a welcomed source of income, but a challenge. Eventually they get to do for what they became hairdressers in the first place: Being creative with the scissors. After many years of sheering your head they don't focus on your fringes anymore, but on the gossip in the next seat.

By then the relationship is one of an old couple. You don't complain if things are not quite right, because you don't want to see that sad face and hear excuses, and you don't know how to get out, because the social network is knit so tightly, the others would have to suffer through enquiries in regard to your health and well-being.

And most of all: Here you know what you get! How on earth are you supposed to find a new hairdresser who will do the same thing you are used to, just nicer?

Let's suppose you take the decision that an overhaul is needed, you might even be a bit daring and wanting to change the style or the colour. You know that you never, ever can go back to your old hairdresser, do you? You are a cheat, and the new hairstyle, however grown out and neglected, will have you recognised as that. Only if you look like an old which you might be able to crawl back, providing a thousand apologies and the promise to never do it again.

So, now let's do the big step. You heard from a friend about this fantastic new stylist... at the beginning they are all stylists... you have saved up for it, and you have your appointment. Adrenalin pounding through the veins you step into the salon and the dreaded question is upon you: What would you like me to do for you, today?

Argh... I want to look like Mila Kunis...?

Well you should have prepared better, shouldn't you? Here is my tip!

From magazines or the Internet you find hairstyles in the approximate length you want to be. And then you find up to 3 pictures for each of the following categories:

• Hate, really really hate... (fringes in eyes, too fuzzy, ...)
• Luuuurve... but not sure if my hair is suitable (love colour, length, fringe, layering, ...)
• Like but a bit boring
• Like but a bit too much

and from those you create a mood board. Glue them on a sheet of paper and take it with you. From that the stylist will get a rather clear picture what sort of head you are after.

Well and then you are entering a new era of relationship building... until the next time!

There is always a first step

... even if it feels that I have taken this first step more than once now.

Last year I felt at my height! After seven years of researching fashion options for my shape, training to get into one, writing about it, and trying to see the positive side in things, I did the bodybuilding competition just a few days short of my 50s birthday.

It feels good to be on that pedestal and people looking up. I just didn't anticipate that a pedestal is not a comfortable resting place, and in a way I was lucky that mine was not a really high one to fall off. Right after my birthday my life turned a bit upside down; nothing too serious even, just the shit that sometimes happens and which happens to almost all of us at one time or another. It's the time when one has to get the priorities right, or - if one is not sure what that means - to take some decisions whatever they are to get through the muddle.

My decision was to basically skip gym and the health stuff, which kind of took the blogging down as well. Initially I missed the blogging more than the gym and I managed to squeeze a few things in, but I don't think they were fun to read, so I basically gave it up, too.

And here is a big thank you to all my dear friends! I have all the blogs Adsense enabled to make a bit of money for my charity projects through advertising, and the income never dropped. It was a big encouragement to keeping focused on what I had to do, knowing that I would be able to pick up things later.

Well, and now I am back. I took the first step by putting my life's priorities back to where they were a year ago. I filled in all my gym appointments into the calendar and I keep telling myself that 'enough is enough!'. A year ago, right after my birthday I did a big trip, my first ever trip into the jungle with hiking and a lot of activities and it was fantastic. I got so hooked that I went again this year. And the same hike was bloody exhausting. Then I went to cheer on a friend during the London marathon... standing around a lot and walking slowly almost killed my back, something I hadn't encountered for the past five years.

So: Enough IS enough! I need my health and my fitness back.

Seven years ago I started on a route which was a blank sheet; I had no idea how or if things would work out, and I had a fantastic time. It feels a bit lame to start over again, but I guess that is what athletes do all the time. They work hard, they compete, they are high up, they rest and then they start over, and hopefully become even better. At least I have seven years of experience on my back to know what works and what doesn't.

So, here is to my first steps... the calendar is filled in, I was in the gym yesterday, the first blog is written.... Summer 2012, here I come!

Finding Motivation

There are the things that we want to do but we procrastinate nevertheless, the things we have to do but don’t like doing, and the things we think we should do but somehow never get round to.

I find myself blaming the lack of motivation in one category on the existence of the others: 'I cannot follow my dream because there is too much house work.', 'I really should go to the gym but if I don’t follow my dream today I will never make it.' Problem is: Shifting things round and round doesn’t get anything done and all that is left is feeling miserable... That is not a good starting point.

The Duties!

The easiest ones to tackle are the duties; the stuff we have to do but which we don’t particularly like doing. Like my fish tank. I like it to look nice, but cleaning it is a bit of a nuisance. To be honest? It’s half an hours work... ½ an hour... girl: Get your rear up and have it done and dusted!

See, the trick lies in ranking the tasks by duration. Get a quick one done and feel good about it. Or choose one that fits into a particular time slot, like: 'between lunch and having to leave the house for a meeting'. Knowing the length of a task and then imagining how it feels when it’s over, gives that little kick to get it done.

Should Do Stuff!

What about the ‘should do stuff'...? Maybe we just shouldn’t! I ditched the sewing course and the Taekwon-Do class. The sewing course was held by a brilliant teacher and I thought the skill could be beneficial at one point in my life. And then it turned out that in order to have the full benefit I would have to do homework... which I never did... I shouldh’ve... but... The Taekwon-Do was a similar story. The effort to actually doing it well was too high for the benefits. Maybe in a few years time I regret, however, when I took the decision I had a big sigh of relief and big rock fell off my shoulders. The one thing that kept me from skipping out earlier was the feeling of having to explain myself to... everybody, basically... ‘you were so excited at the beginning, what happened?’, ‘you were so good at it, why would you want to stop?’, ‘you bought all this equipment, what a waste!’.

No ones business, that is! I try out stuff; some I like, some I don’t, some turn out to be too time consuming, so what? Turns out: There should only be two categories: The stuff we have to do, and the stuff we want to do. If something doesn’t properly fit either – ditch it!

Want to Do Stuff!

Oh, those are tricky little bastards. They are thoughts and desires we use for all sorts of things... and sometimes they should go on the couch of a psychiatrist.

They are wonderful tools for blame... 'You never help in the household, so I don’t get to do stuff'. One could just DO stuff, and letting the work pile up; developing a thick skin, socks wouldn’t be folded, shirts not be ironed, kids favourite meal not be cooked, car not washed... they would find out eventually, that taking some duties off your shoulders would give you the time to be at their service. It however seems that having this blame tool available is more valuable than to actually educate the family. Why else would we stick to NOT doing the things we would like doing?

Maybe we have a rose tinted imagination of how it would be if we were to give it a go, and we somehow know, or fear, that it might not be like that? If there is only one big dream, then sometimes it is nicer to dream the dream than to destroy it with a harsh reality, and then nothing would be left... not even a dream.

Truth is: Every dream requires a lot of work and dedication to become reality, and the reality might look different from what we expected. It is ok to just like the dream and to keep dreaming, but if this little sneaky thought keeps coming back over and over again, and if it doesn’t look rose tinted anymore but takes the colour of a nag, then it might be time to do something about it. Sometimes it needs a good friend who is able to listen and to step into your shoes to get started, sometimes the foundations have to be laid in secret until the confidence has risen to respectable levels to come out, and sometimes we have to listen to some people to find the right kick:

• Alain de Botton: A kinder, gentler philosophy of success
• Richard St. John's 8 secrets of success
• Matt Cutts: Try something new for 30 days
• Derek Sivers: Keep your goals to yourself

However, whatever it is that is needed: Use it and then DO it!

I couldn't say it any better!

... this pretty much sums up a whole lot of what I have been trying to express in my blogs. So here is Thandie Newton's view on 'Embracing otherness, embracing myself'.

excerpt of the TED talk

... And that can happen with awareness, awareness of the reality of oneness and the projection of selfhood. For starter we can think about all the times when we do lose ourselves. It happens when I dance... I am earthed in my essence and ‘myself’ is suspended. In those moments I am connected to everything; the ground, the air, the sounds, the energy from the audience, all the senses are alert and alive. ...

... and I honestly believe the key to my success as an actor and my progress as a person has been the very lack of self  that used to make me feel so anxious and insecure...

Back to the School Bench

Oh wow! Where to publish this?

It definitely is about a change of lifestyle, but being it my lifestyle it is very personal as well, and it is a challenge... that makes it at least three of my blogs where it would fit in. As any of those is as good as the other, I chose the one that jumped into my mind first: Lifestyle.

 As of today I am officially back at school. I just collected my books for learning on how to become a Personal Trainer.

A good decade after I had promised myself to never ever do an exam again, ... I am putting myself into the situation of taking an exam again. They call it assessment these days, but I guess it's pretty much the same. At age 50 I seem to think it a good idea to take the risk of being told that I am rubbish in what I am doing... and the person who will tell me might well be at the age of a hypothetical child of mine if not younger. At university it was bad enough to get the verdict from an old-ish person... oh what am I doing again?

At least this time I know what I want this exam... sorry assessment, for. My own business has just come a bit closer. I hope it's worth it!

So here I am, like a little schoolgirl at the beginning of the new term, looking for a nice folder to put everything in, and organising my timetable. Oh please, cross fingers for me that I won't open these books and don't understand a word that is said in them.

Will keep you posted.

Extreme Challenges and Headfakes

By extreme challenge I don’t necessarily mean climbing Mount Everest or travelling to the South Pole. I mean the sort of thing that you and I can achieve by our own devices, like running a marathon, creating a work of art, or going on stage. These are the things that need guts to decide for and determination to follow through; the things about which people will ask ‘why on earth would you want to do that’... and although the only valid answer is: “Because I want to!” one will have a list of reasons of which one hopes it will satisfy the inquirer.

My challenge is to take part in a bodybuilding competition. For the first time in my life I will be on stage, in a bikini, wearing fake tan, and I will have to give a 90 second performance to music. I am 50 years old, I am not a musical person, and I don’t know what bothers me more.

If I would be asked for the ‘Why?’ my official answer would be: I always wanted to know how I would feel on stage. I cannot sing, I cannot memorise well, so singer and actor are out of the question, but I am good at my sport, and I want to show the world that it is possible to become healthy and fit even if one is past the best-by date.

The unofficial answer would be: Because I want to! I want my 5 minutes of fame! I want to know how far I can push this and if I might even be able to win! Oh yes! I don’t just want to participate, I want to win!

The headfake would be: I want my legs!

A headfake is a task in which one does one thing to achieve another. Good teachers provide headfakes for their students: “Let’s build a robot so you learn mechanics”. What they actually learn, is the boring skill of programming, and they easily do so because the task is fun. My headfake doesn’t provide fun, but a good reason to keep focused. See, I always was yearning for beautiful legs, well shaped and sexy. Life provided me with a substantial layer of padding from hip to ankle, and I never managed to keep my determination during seasonal food binges, and emotional rollercoaster rides like winter depression and monthly cycles.

All of the above makes this a valid extreme challenge, I guess.

... the more that this sort of thing has quite an impact on my lifestyle and hence on my social environment. Let me turn back the clock to 2004 when I innocently started the whole ‘let’s push the envelope’ thing, and when I had no idea on how many levels this battle would take place.

I was two stone fatter, unfit, suffering from back and headaches, and most of all; I was suffering lack of confidence. This is not a good state to be in when wanting to change things which would affect other people’s lives, too. ‘Time management’ became a much used term. The aim was, to get as much as possible out of my time for myself, and to still keep everybody else happy. In self help books this is called ‘keeping the balance’.

Well, I failed! I failed because I followed stereotypes.

I never asked: ‘Whose or what balance am I keeping?’ Only when I start writing about these things I become focused and can see those questions. The intuitive choice of words of the first draft, reveal a lot.

‘The aim was to get as much as possible out of my time for myself ...‘

‘... and to still keep everybody else happy.’

This means a balance between me and others, and not a balance within my life’s tasks.

There is a significant difference between the two. The first means ‘trying things out, but compromising should I lose control over my relationships. The second does not consider other people; it is the impartial focus on me.

I failed because I mixed up the two.

Let’s turn the clock back even further to the time before 2004. I remember my mum and grandma talking about people, who had learned skills and achieved things everybody envied, and then they did ‘one silly thing’ which pushed it too far, and they lost everything. Back then I believed that those people must be mad, and now I find myself in a similar position.

I was a master of adjusting my lifestyle to others and I received appreciation and praise. It made me feel good, but it used all the time I now need to fulfil my own dreams and needs. Now, that I have put my focus on me and hence am tipping the balance, I would wish that others would do that too, adjusting their lives to mine in order to keep it level.

Well, this is not how it works, is it?

People are not interested in changing their lives to match mine... who would have thought...? Moreover, people got inspired by the idea of personal improvement and began to change, too; just into their own direction, not mine.

I failed because I forgot that I CANNOT determine other people’s actions.

However much I might hope, expect, or ask of people: It is THEIR decision to take! And they will take those decisions according to their own constraints, many of which I don’t have a clue that they exist. They have work lives, friends, and families, all putting the pressure on. They are taking their decisions as much as I am taking mine. All my balancing acts to keep people happy, and hence them in my life, were MY choices and thus voluntary. I cannot blame them for holding me back.

I failed because there is no balance to keep in relationships! There is only a balance that I can keep within myself.

Let me put the above into a nutshell: This matter is not about balance, it is about relationships, decisions and blame. Whether we just topple along, negotiate, or compromise, none of it will guarantee that a relationship will remain stable. There are too many unknown parameters, and even the known ones are changing continuously. The only thing that I can control is ME!

My previous lifestyle had left me sick, scared, unconfident, and with a minor job and I decided to make a change to the better for myself. During the past years, I lost the fear of being embarrassed, and of getting old, but the one fear that rules them all I did not dare tackling: The fear of being alone!

Extreme challenges are limited in time. If a life is robustly settled in a relationship scene, this period will not change anything. If there are instabilities, this period will reveal it all. It is impossible to succeed in an extreme challenge, while trying to cover-up, and there is no going back, once it has started. 

The first small changes already had inspired some friends to leave the scene, would bigger changes challenge my close relationships? On the other hand: If a relationship only exists because I am desperately clinging to it, is it worth it?

I had not planned for those questions to arise, and surely not now. In a few weeks time I have to be on stage and I am questioning my entire existence. That is not good timing! Well, the timing comes with the subject, doesn’t it? While unanswered, those questions held me back in achieving my dreams. Now that the challenge has put the cards on the table, I don’t find them daunting anymore. I now know that my headfake is not ‘the legs’ the headfake is ‘to find the person within myself, who I really like, who I can trust and rely on, so that others can do the same.’

I might not have failed after all!

And another photoshoot

Oh, I could get used to this! Thinking four years back when Babul had to shove the camera into my face wherever I looked to get me used to that thing, I now just love to flirt with it. Barry 'Baz' Crabtree, was my latest victim. He wanted to do some experiments with light, and I got to show off my latest purchase, a coat I got from Camden Market during the last London visit. Watch out for 'Sai Sai' if you like the goth/punk/lolita inspired look.The blouse is from there as well and it can be dressed up with some lacy ruffles for an 18th century fashion style vampyre-ish outfit. This more dramatic style would be something to follow up on in a future shoot.

By: Barry 'Baz' Crabtree

By: Barry 'Baz' Crabtree
I wore this combined with '7 For all Mankind' - Kimmie in a dark wash for a night out in London:
Fabulous!

By: Barry 'Baz' Crabtree

Oh my, this feels like going to get a few more props. I am just not in the mood for 'normal' clothes anymore. It seems that 'quirky' is the new me! Yay!

On that note: Have a fabulously crazy spring!
Love









More Pictures of the shoot:
My Picasaweb



Find Sai Sai at:
Units 30a and 36a
London, Camden, Stable Market, Chalkfarm Road, NW18PB
lolisaisai @hotmail.com (please remove white space before @)
lizhi_lz @yahoo.com (please remove white space before @)

I did it!

I faced my biggest fear! No, not spiders. I faced the one person who always managed to throw me off balance. However much I tried, prepared, and practiced, he always managed to find the right button to bring me close to tears - unfortunately not tears of joy they were. Oh, those big strands of nerves this man has cost me when I had to propose or ask for something - and not just my nerves, dear hubbies as well. Poor Detlef had to listen through all the reasoning, the pros the cons, the 'on how to phrase it' over and over again, before I dared entering the lion's den. This man has more lines in my book than anybody else. Maybe I should even thank him, as otherwise the book would be rather short.

As I type, I have known him for more than ten years, and whenever I listened to conversations he was involved in I understood his point of views, they basically were my own. I understood his decisions, I would have taken the same. I could even understand the little quirks and oddities in his lifestyle. As soon as I had to talk to the bloke, all I wished was for the ground to open to please swallow me. My mum used to be able to reduce me back to my teenage years, in front of him I became a toddler.

About eight years in, I was talking to my mentor and I will never forget the moment: After a lot of fretting about all sorts of stuff I eventually got this bright spark. It literally felt bright in my head when I all of a sudden knew that all the fretting boiled down to one thing: 'I don't want to be scared anymore', I said and then I broke into tears.

It seems that I did a lot of crying back then. Even as a child I was known to live really close to the waterworks... but what can you do? It all happens on an emotional level, which in its very nature is rather uncontrollable. I guess, at that moment in this little room I understaood how the two are related. Whenever the fear turns into the feeling of being trapped the water starts flowing as a natural response. Others might become aggressive, I cry. Because it is humiliating, depression kicks in, self esteem goes down, vicious circle. 

I decided there and then that I didn't want that anymore. And the process started - how could it be differently - with a worry: on one hand I liked to be emotional as it works on a positive level as well. I was known as the cheery, bubbly one. Somebody who inspires and makes others happy. Would I pour the child with the bath? Would I lose the happy me by abandoning the sad me? Would I become a dull, numb bitch?

Well, I took the risk and worked my way through the issues my little brain threw at me. It was hard, it was satisfying, I lost some friends along the way but I gained new ones as well. Turns out that if people are the right people for you, they will stick with you, and the others will be better off without you, and you will be better off without them. Although it sounds sad, it actually is a win-win. Have I become a dull, numb bitch? I am sure some people will think so. But as a matter of fact: I don't care anymore! There are still plenty of others who think that I am inspirational and gorgeous - bless them! I was worried that I might end up alone, but I didn't. In contrary, since I feel rooted in myself, I seem to be more appealing to people than ever before... who would have thought that? 

Three years of soul searching and endless lines of writing I needed to find this out. And it is not just a conclusion that I repeat like a mantra to be able to live it. It is in me now, with every single cell of my body I can feel that I truly believe (in) myself. And today I got the proof that this is not just an illusion. The culmination point of all the hard work condensed in one phone call. 

The outcome? Hmmm, how can I describe this? You know that I am a girl of colour. So imagine my early years in a colour scheme. Every build-up to a conversation was shades of purple, depending on the respective stage more raspberry for rage, or more blue for depressed. Then the conversation itself usually starting on a pale orange with purple spells, to then rise to a deep orange via red with flames, to then numb me in a dark burgundy. Then the aftermath - ash grey, imagine 'Iceland after the Volcano' grey, lasting for days until it eventually turned into a mid-blue which usually meant: leave me alone, avoiding situations like this.

This time it was different. Actually, there was one little slightly orange deep breath at the beginning and then there were a lot of yellows and greens... and at the end? White. Really! Nothing! A bit of pride, yes! But nothing loud or emotional. For the first time the feeling of being peers... 

It seems that in this whole process I eventually learned to put a value onto myself, which allows me to negotiate. I think I  am starting to grasp the concept. It is too simple to blame the other side. It was never his problem, was it? It always was mine. If I feel inadequate I cannot expect others to come down to my level, and I surely should not try to pull them down. I however can make my way up to their level. As soon as I had found my value I didn't feel inadequate anymore. And it seems that my newly gained negotioation skill might even have won me a new friend.

If I were to give a speech...

First published in 2009

If I were to give a speech - This would be it!

Hello, and thank you for having me here. My name is Rika Nauck and my father in law would be proud to hear that I am introducing myself as a ‘dilettante’. So here I am: Rika Nauck, dilettante!

When I was still young, ‘looking pretty’ worked well for me to achieve things, I nevertheless felt the strain of having to be successful in something. I just couldn’t decide what that might be, since I had much too many interests. In his calm and charming way my father in law explained to me, that if I wanted to, I could divide people into two groups; one group is good in just one thing, but pretty useless in everything else – they are called nerds. The other group knows just a bit about everything, but they are not very good in any particular area – these are the dilettantes.

Unfortunately it’s the nerds who get Nobel prices and become CEOs of companies, while dilettantes usually end up in a support role. They are able brew coffee, proof-read a paper, re-design the office space and manage the expenses all at the same time, and since they lack fancy certificates and awards, secretary or business support, as it is called these days, is one of the obvious choices of profession for them.

And here comes the part where I usually get a lot of booing from one half of the population and a lot of Yays from the other one, and I’m fully aware that I might be beaten up for this. However, I am claiming that nerds are mainly male and dilettantes are mainly female. There are exceptions – I give you that - and we even have names for them: It’s wimps… and …bitches.

But, whatever the gender: nerds fall into a crisis when threatened in their field, while dilettantes feel threatened in any field they touch. Hence dilettantes have a low self esteem, and usually need many years to accept their role and to stop competing with nerds; they just won’t win.

I needed another 20 years after I had spoken to my father in law, to eventually acknowledge that I am a dilettante and that this is the best thing that could happen to me. I might not be rich – yet – but with the knowledge I have accumulated over the years I can pull myself out of any misery. All that we dilettantes have to do, is to find the niches in which we can outsmart the nerds, and the aim of this talk is to inspire you to trust your set of skills. You can do more than you think!

Take networking! It is categorized as soft skill – what in nerdy terms means: not worth the effort! However, they do network, they just call it differently, and they are doing it brilliantly. Nerds are organized in professional scenes which are fine tuned networks with a picking order, information on who knows what, and calling in favours is an absolutely common practice. If you can play your scene you will get far.

Dilettants despise of all that: for them this means favourism, and using people for profit – and hence they only network for social reasons, because then one can call it 'helping each other'.

When, some years ago, I wanted to go to a workshop on networking which was organized by the women’s network in my workplace, I needed authorization of my boss in order to attend. I was nervous because I never had asked for such a thing before, braced myself and started uttering stuff of ‘women’s network’ and ‘workshop’, and got as a response: ‘Ah, is this your knitting club? Yeah well, you can go.’

Knitting club? I knew he was joking, but that this phrase crossed his mind at this moment in time, and being in a working environment – I think that is telling, and  I can’t even blame him. He is working in a male environment and that means that one ‘moves in a scene’ rather then ‘belongs to a network’. So firstly, there is a clash in terminology. Secondly, he is a nerd by definition; he has a blind spot for these things.

We dilettantes are actually brilliant networkers, but we don’t know it because we are rubbish in defining what we mean by that. We are so scared that we might be blamed for taking advantage of people and that we might have something dubious or shifty in mind, that we rather not commit to it.

Heather White – she is the CEO of Magic of Networking and gave this workshop I was attending – she defined it brilliantly. Networking is like throwing a stone into a lake and causing ripples on the water. They will reach the other side to be picked up; they will mingle with ripples caused by others and some of those will reach you. It is a lovely image and it basically means what goes round comes round.

If you would encourage picking orders, and pushing people, you most likely would find yourself very quickly  in the company of similar minded individuals, and hence in a rather unpleasant environment – well, except if that is what you were after.

The most successful networks however, are the ones which are non-intrusive. You introduce yourself, you leave your name and your card with contact details; you have dropped your stone.  You let people introduce themselves and collect their cards, you caught a ripple. That’s it; the rest is wait and see. The rest of the networking is done after you met people. They talk with others, you talk with others, and at one point proposition and demand will find their match. Win-win for everybody.

Networks go further than scenes; they look outside the box, they need nerds and dilettantes equally. And see - alone we are just that: Nerds and dilettantes. Once we are connected in a network and starting to compliment each other we become ‘Experts’ and ‘Connectors’. All the knowledge an expert has is worth nothing if nobody knows that it is there.

In a world as connected as ours these days, experts can’t afford anymore to only work their scene and to stick between themselves. And I don’t mean experts scientifically. If plumbers only communicate with plumbers because that is what they like to talk about, they will run out of business. They may need information on how technology is changing, or how to run the business more efficiently, or how to find customers in their area to reduce cost of driving. I may be in dire need of a plumber – which I actually am … so if we both would just know somebody who knows …

Things are moving quickly, Innovation is what is asked for these days, and that needs communication between the scenes; it needs people who travel these universes and who know just enough of many things to be able to bring the right people into contact.

So in the end of the day the message should not be:

Nerds VS. Dilettantes

but

Experts AND Connectors

Together we are strong!

Related Links: 
Knitting 21st Century Style
A Network is a Home

And THAT's how it’s DONE – Networking Strategy

Networking – A Serious Game

Networking – A Serious Game

First published in 2008 - report of the second networking workshop

After the first networking workshop I left with a feeling of confirmation… the feeling that the one thing I’m doing rather intuitively and in which I’m actually good at is something that is a valuable skill and should be exploited, and not just something that is to be taken for granted. So my confidence got a real boost.

When I then went for it, I hit the brick wall a few times, and the harder I tried the more scared and confused I got. Something was missing! When I entered this second workshop I felt less confident in being able to do good networking than before. So I was rather tense: I had visitors from work sitting in an office not far, and thus hoping that my boss wouldn’t need me, I hadn’t have time to prepare at all, my paperwork from the last workshop was at home and not in my bag, had even forgotten what I had written about the first one, and there was a rather big likelihood of not being able to remember a single name.

Scatterbrain mode!

Well, in the end of the day this turned out to be a good thing. Heather, the coach, instantly tapped into it, turning this odd feeling of lack of confidence and focus into something productive.

Some catching up on previous outcomes

On catching up on the outcome of the first workshop it turned out that we more or less came from two different types of make-up.

The nerds!

One group of highly skilled people who know about their skills, but were not sure how to bring them across to the right people to give their career a boost. However, for two of them it had worked: They had braced themselves after the last workshop, have been talking to the right people and changed their careers to the better, and a lot of the others are on their way. Good for them!

The scatter brains!

The other group are more ‘jack of all trades’ kind of people, who are good in a lot of things, but just not good enough that they feel like showing it off. Usually we don’t have a degree in what we are best at and feel confident doing the job as long as a real expert is not around. We are always hoping for others to tell us that we actually are having a high level of expertise already, we need the praise to believe in ourselves, and we are hoping that networking might find us such people and open doors to opportunities which are not too scary to go through. Well, that is at least the truth I had to face – however, I have a hunch that this is not too far from it for some of the others as well.

After we had told our stories Heather tailored the workshop according to what was needed for us bunch of people.

Working a room

The first part was about 'working a room'. Basically: How to get into a group and how to break out of a group.

According to Deborah Tannen in 'You just don’t understand', women mostly use language to bond, while men mostly use language to transport information. Which is one reason why guys are often more straight forward in saying what they want. This, in female eyes, blunt approach is not useful for bonding – for that you have to give a lot of reasons and stories around the information itself. These different styles in communication reflect in the body language and in group structures as well.

Luckily, we had one gentleman attending and Heather used the poor bloke quite a bit to demonstrate that guys usually avoid eye contact (threatening) and are not standing opposite each other but fan open a bit. Therefore easy to approach, but be prepared and not bothered that they won’t look at you while talking as long as the rest of the body language shows interest. However, if you would see guys closed in and looking at each other while talking – never, ever try to barge in! Serious business going on there and you will not want to interrupt that. In my experience ladies in a group are more difficult as they stand closer and look at each other. To get in, you would need to know one of them, have something really interesting to contribute, or catch an eye with one of them signalling: yes you can come in!

Important note: The real action happens AFTER you have met people. What they remember of you and what they talk about you behind your back can make or break a career. Although the meeting might not have gone as well as you would have wished for: If your first impression was good and you managed to relieve them off your presence before they get really bored: They may even keep you in a good memory and talk good about you in a pivotal moment of your career.

Another important note: Practice, practice, practice! Observe and throw yourself out there whenever possible. Start using occasions which don’t really matter, learn from it, raise the stakes a bit more every time. Take little risks. We usually can’t plan for when this little window of opportunity will open. You may have a bad hair day and might be lacking sleep… that’s not the moment to start practicing. Moving about in a networking environment is a bit like driving a car. At the beginning you have to concentrate on every move, once you practice it sinks into the subconscious and becomes reflex. You start driving in streets you know and then you move on to bigger distance, wider streets. The same applies for networking. One day certain body language will just come natural – and you will be able to not only see the window of opportunity but to dare tackling it.

As for the breaking away: As soon as you realise boredom – cut your story short, kindly say your farewell and move on to the next group. You don’t want to waste your time with people who are not interested in you and you don’t want to waste their time either. So we practiced a lot of handshaking and introducing ourselves, gave each other feedback on how we come across, had a lot of fun, and – although we knew each other already - a bit of getting out of the comfort zone as well. This was recognised as very useful and important advice from all of us, although I have a hunch that the instant benefit is more for the group of skilled people. The ones who know what they want and who can go straight away to deliver their message. I might be well able to break into or out of a group now, but I wouldn’t actually know what to tell them: ‘Good morning, my name is Rika. I’m a scatterbrain!’ Not really a career booster, is it?

Branding and networking strategy

So, the rest of the workshop was about branding ourselves and networking strategy (...read more). And again Heather nailed it! She delivered everything I needed in order to take the next steps.

And it will be tough!

It goes so much beyond networking. I will have to dig deep and do some soul searching. I have a vision, but I can’t see it as a real picture. It’s all on a: ‘Would be so nice’ – level. It needs to be shifted to a: ‘I will do that!’ – level. I will need to sit down and make one of my infamous lists to find out the action points. And then I will have to go out there and make it happen.

Slightly in panic mode now!

However, the alternative is to sit back, put the legs up, eat sweets and watch East Enders. There is no in-between. Just being nice and a good girl with a decent skill set won’t be enough. There will be no knight on a white horse coming and bringing me to the goal line a bit closer. I will have to march there on my own feet every single step. And if I’m lucky I will  find a few good companions who will walk with me and flatten the ground once in a while or pick me up when I’m down.

Yet another important note: Networking is nothing but a tool! Networking might inspire some ideas on what you want to achieve, but in the end of the day it is nothing but a tool that brings you from A to B. What implicates that you have to have an A and a B in the first place. A: You will have to define who you really are. Which skills you have, which of those you would like to use more than others and which ones you would like to improve, what sort of life you lead, where your priorities are, … B: You will have to develop your vision, pinning down WHAT YOU WANT for your future! If you have that sorted, then networking is a wonderful tool to help make your vision come true.

Related Links: 

Knitting 21st Century Style

A Network is a Home

And THAT's how it’s DONE – Networking Strategy

If I were to give a speech...

And THAT's how it’s DONE – Networking Strategy

First published in 2008

During the past few days I was in the lucky position to observe serious networking – and I mean SERIOUS networking, real big business. Having Heather’s follow-up workshop coincide with this business meeting, I first thought that this was unfortunate as I was flying between tasks and didn’t think I would be able to take as much from it as I would have liked. However, in the end it turned out that the workshop had sharpened my eye and given me the background to understand that there is a method behind their doings.

She had addressed three striking things which I found confirmed in watching these pros in action.

Firstly: They have a vision
And they are not scared to dedicate their lives for it! … or if they are, they don’t show it. For them there are no real limits. They believe in themselves. They see the benefits, formulate them in a way that they become win-win games … and then go for it.

I always think too far ahead about everything that might or might not happen, falling into all sorts of worries and then don’t even start. They deal with the problems when they occur and not when they crop up in their fantasy. And if they reach a point of no return which might mean going BIG or not going anywhere at all: They evaluate the risk and when things are are looking good: Then they go for BIG without hesitation and pull through.

Secondly: They have a plan.
They develop a networking strategy. They look at the outcome they want, they may lay down several possible versions at the beginning or adjust as they go along. Nevertheless, they identify the key players in the game and then they target them.

For that they need a good basic network of people they can trust and of whom they exactly know the skill set. These people then develop their vision further and bring it to the right people and make the contacts.

Thirdly: They work hard.

Say what you want!

Working hard to get your act together!

A vision is not something fluffy. It needs to be formulated in a way that you can present it to different types of people. That means, that the vision – a thing that is nothing but an idea stuck in your head – sounds as true as if it already existed. People who are targeted to participate need to leave the meeting with a feeling that this is the right and only way to do it, and they need to be so confident about this idea so that they will propagate it further. Meaning: turning vision into fact.

Take calculated risks!

Working hard to keep your network close

Once you know what you want, you can start the actual networking, using the right contacts to get the information you need to underpin your vision, to drive it forward, to expand the network to get more information and to find people to drive it forward, ….

Decisions are to be made and targets to be stretched constantly, and to be able to do that that the network needs to be kept tightly knitted and the key players need to be kept close in order to have the right information at the right time.

Related Links: 
Knitting 21st Century Style
A Network is a Home

Networking – A Serious Game

If I were to give a speech...

A Network is a Home

First published in 2008

A good network is built like a good house. One would like to have it structurally sound and purposeful. The difference lies in the currency: For the house it is money while for networking it is time.

Getting to know your resources!

The rooms in a house are like people in a network. The study could either be all the business and techie people, arts and crafts people, or both – depending on how you use it. All the people you are socialising with are making a great sitting room, as for the kitchen one would gather everybody who knows about inside maintenance and housework, and to build a garage people who are skilled in DIY, garden and outside maintenance would come handy.

Well, let’s not get deeper into the matter of whom one would like to invite to create the bed room - well, I guess George Clooney would be a definite 'Yes!' – ... moving on: Guest rooms are very interesting as they may change their purpose quite frequently, so in our networking home they would be made up by groups of people we are rather loosely connected to.

Sometimes we build our house from scratch. These are wonderful houses, although they cost a lot of time and effort. However, they have all the rooms in the right places, and to use it is like running a clockwork. A lot of us have been faced by this when leaving our parents house to go to university or to take on a new job somewhere else. This is always a bit of a scary option - to be alone and having to find ways to connect to people, but on the other hand you don't have to stick with people only because they are friends of friends. It is much less time consuming to buy a house. One might quite like it, but usually bits and pieces are missing, it needs a bit of decoration here and there and some of the rooms need to have the purpose re-allocated. In networking terms that would mean, that there is a base of people (family, friends, neighbours, work) on which one can build upon, a solid base to use for network extension.

Wishful Thinking!

There is just one thing that we need to accept – there is no 'perfect multi function room'. That is what we all would like to have, don’t we?

A joker, the one thing that becomes whatever we need it to become. Imagine your kitchen is a mess and you quickly need a coffee. You open the door to your Joker-room and there it is: The perfect kitchen unit with a coffee machine and a clean cup.

The next time you want to do some gardening, but can’t find a thing in your shed – off you go to the joker room, and you would wish to do so when your computer is breaking down, your marriage is at stake or you need help with organising something.

Do you know what? We ladies tend to think that we have something like that in our network!

We call it friends!

We have this fairytale idea of unconditional friendship in our heads. This best friend who is there for us whatever we are up to, the one with whom we share everything. Sometimes, very rarely we are lucky to have such a friend – most of the time it’s a person from childhood days. Once we’ve grown up, it hardly happens that we can build such a friendship again. That might be the reason why all these online networks are so successful. They all give the opportunity to re-kindle old school relationships.

It's all in the head!

Although we have grown up and know a bit more about life now, we still have the old patterns in our heads.

Who doesn't feel a bit guilty when bonding with somebody else not including the old friend - let's call it the best-friend-syndrome. And who doesn't feel a bit guilty if not responding to a friends request with 100% commitment - let's call that the chicken-out syndrome. Well, and finally who on the other hand wouldn't feel a bit disappointed when a friend shows signs of chicken-out.

I believe that this is a typical female way of seeing things. Ask a guy what he knows about his best friend: good soccer player, name, degree, size of the house and type of mortgage, type of car now and 10 years ago. That’s about it, and probably in that order.

Ask a women: she will tell you the story of her friends life in detail!

Guys seem to gather information to network, girls seem to gather information to bond!

Bonding is nice and well: That is why we are rather good in certain areas of networking. However, we are rather crap in others.To be really good in bonding we have to take things emotional and personal. Hence the best-friend syndrome. It means that we need to maintain the bond - it's in the meaning of the word - and that is time consuming. A network under bonding constraint has to be small, otherwise guilt will be eating our minds and energy.

We don’t have to lose the bonding bit altogether – we are much to good in it to abandon that skill. However, we have to accept that some bonds have to be let loose if the time comes. We will have to understand that we will have to build new ones, and that it is okay to do so. We have to understand that building a new part of a network is no deceit to the old relations.

Let’s go back to the image of the 'perfect multi purpose room': What happens if we are...

Using friends as jokers?

Be honest: How often did you feel disappointed by a friend because you asked for something you were passionate about, only to see that they didn't share your passion and chickening-out was clearly on the agenda.

Imagine you are organising a trip to Tate Modern and you need to fill the group with one more person to get the cheaper tickets. So you are asking your garden freak friend to join. The scenario most likely would be:

• Friend responds positively as helpers syndrome kicks in - we are friends after all. And if you are really passionate in your explanation friend might even really believe that it is a great thing to visit this museum.
  
  
• Once the dust has settled and after you've parted, friend realises that you are - well, friends - however... hmmm, well, c'mon Tate Modern - and my hedge needs trimming and I have to... and this and that, and ...
  
  
• Then: A phase of trying to avoid each other - one of them sensing that the response was not entirely genuine, while the other one didn't find a good excuse yet.
  
  
• As more time goes by the possible excuses become lamer and lamer, until - with bad feelings on both ends - the whole thing goes bust.

And now be even more honest: How often did you behave that way when used as joker? We just have to accept that there are aspects of each others lives which we do not share, and it is okay that way! Otherwise we would have clusters of people who are all doing the same. We have to have crossovers of interest to keep this globe rolling. Hence it is fair enough to find other people to cover the areas our friends don't.

This is called 'Networking'

Our fellow gentlemen usually handle things that way intuitively while we ladies need to learn this way of networking'!

Get to know your people, and then use them accordingly.

This has two huge benefits: Firstly, you will gain time! You won’t waste a lot of time nagging and making yourself and others feel grumpy, which is a very inefficient mode to be in. Time which you can well spend to expand your network to find people to cover the aspects of your life, your friends are not able to.

Secondly, you will be able to keep your friends! You will have a lot of fun doing the things together which are in your both interest and thus deepening the bond rather then stretching it.

The aim has to be:

Create Win-Win situations
by

avoiding bad vibes and building good ones,

for yourself and for your network,

by 
using your currency (time) smartly.

Be positive, be genuine, and never use your friends as jokers!

Related Links: 
Knitting 21st Century Style

Networking – A Serious Game

And THAT's how it’s DONE – Networking Strategy

If I were to give a speech...

Knitting 21st Century Style

First published in 2008

- About the Importance of Networking -

Ladies, I have it officially now! Please tell your husbands and boyfriends: We need to meet more often!

I was at a workshop. Yep! Me! Usually not the workshop kind of person, but this one I took… and it was – GOOD! 

At my workplace there is a women’s network and they do great stuff. Their invitations kept coming to my mailbox since I work there, but I never got round to actually attend one of these events. All these new people, and would the time be worthwhile it, and well, … everything, really. 

Now came this new invitation, red it, thought it was interesting, and dropped it into the bin. Habitual behaviour! Thank God that Iwona came to the rescue, dropping a line and asking if we should go together. I can’t propagate the slogan ‘Get the bums up, girls’, and then chicken out myself, can I?

So we went to attend the ‘Magic of Networking’!

A knot in the thread!

In we went, workshop started, and then the usual: 28 ladies introducing themselves, one after the other. I’m telling you: I can walk into a room with 200 casually chatting people and starting to take it over – no probs whatsoever. Here: knot in the throat, sweat breaking out…thinking… thinking … who am I? ah, Rika! … should I say my surname? Is it important that I’m German? They can hear that anyway… What is my job?... Oooof, my turn. Panic! 

Oh! My! God! Can you imagine: Me shutting up for once? I didn’t get a single of the other introductions due to thinking through my text, which then wouldn’t want to get past that damn knot, making me stutter.

Well, and then Heather, the speaker – what do I say – performer, took off! She is brilliant, and if you ever would have the opportunity to attend one of her workshops: Go for it!

Learning the pattern!

We were told that this was one of the calmer presentations. Nevertheless, I have to admit that most of the time I was observing Heather rather then paying attention to what she said. However, now that I have been mulling it over for a while, her message is coming back to my mind. That is what I call a good advertisement for a subject – the presentation is easy on the eye and the ear, but the information sticks nonetheless.

And one can tell that she is enthusiastic about ‘Networking’. Ladies, we are on the right track with what we are doing!

One of the messages:

There is nothing dubious or shifty about networking.

It is not about sneaking into other peoples lives to take advantage of them. It is about fun, and it is – most importantly – about building resources. It is absolutely OK to gather people around you, who might come handy for the one or the other reason. It actually is the only way to create win-win situations. 

An Example:

Take our Race for Life. We are still small, but we are building our team as big as we can to raise as much money as we can. As a side effect I intend to create as much fun for us as possible - nothing wrong about that, is there? As a second side effect I'm hoping to get recognised by the event organisers and probably even by the local press. Well, that could be misinterpreted as exploitation - however, I'm hoping to be able to expand our network of ladies, get known by local businesses and deepen contact to the press in order to get a bigger team next year, to extend our sponsorship base and to get even more publicity... 

We can grow, charity gets more and more money through us, businesses can use us as advertising platform when sponsoring, and press has something to tell. That is a quadruplet-win and I can't see anything wrong with that.

Heather compared networking with ‘throwing a stone into water, causing ripples’. When others do that as well, the ripples mingle and in the end some of the ripples come flowing back to you.

Another message:

One doesn’t have to be an outgoing person to be a good networker.

Be honest: When you think about someone who has a reputation for networking you usually think of an extroverted person, who is ‘everywhere and nowhere’ at the same time and has a loud voice. That at least is the cliché that jumps into my mind. But that is not true! A good networker has the skill to listen, and to be genuine. And actually this is something one will find rather often in the calmer fellow women.

Another Example:

Iwona and I are two ladies of the different ends of the spectrum of networking, each of us using her character to achieve the best she can. Iwona usually a bit shy and the body language a bit tied back, and me… well, you know me… more the ‘barging in’ type. When we walked over to the workshop, Iwona confirmed this saying: ‘I’m not good in networking so I thought I should take that chance.’ C’mon girl: who started this whole thing of attending. OK, she might have wanted me to be a bit of a backup, but that is exactly what networking is about.

You have your collection of friends and acquaintances and if you would feel that somebody boisterous could come handy at times, well then you will click and it will work. For me Iwona is ‘good’ because she is a perfectionist by heart. I’m chaotic and had to learn being organised. So once in a while, she is my wall to lean on. 

We are both rather good networkers, only that due to her shyness she thinks she is not, while I tend to indulge in a bit of overconfidence, and probably am not as good as I might think.

Don't drop that stitch!

However, the important thing for both of us was to acknowledge that networking is important, and that it doesn’t have anything to do with exploiting each other. Friendships, work relations, any relations would be so boring if only very similar people would group together. It is about benefiting from each other rather than exploiting the relationship.

So, what do we take from all of that?

‘Do get your bums up, and go out there!’

Building your network

My habit of throwing invitations into the bin didn’t do me any good. If something catches your eye: Give it a second thought … and then think it through, for crying out loud!

Last weekend I had such a lovely experience. The Ipswich Ladies went to the movies. Some of them know each other well and some only met once. One new lady with whom I only had exchanged two emails joined us. She is Japanese and all of a sudden one of my close friends started talking Japanese with her. I was flabbergasted. It needed only one daring lady approaching a group of strangers, to give us a great time by making us giggle a lot, and telling stories. She opened a door for exchanging information that never got triggered before. I’m very grateful that she braced herself and joined our colourful bunch.

Work your network!

Saving time and reducing stress levels

You don't have to do things all by yourself. There are people out there who know much better how to do it. The time you are spending for networking and having fun in the meantime, will be saved - if not more - when using your network to find the right person for the task. All you have to do is to pick up that phone! Networkers first words could be:

• Hello, my name is ... we met at... and we talked about ... Now I was wondering if you could help me out with something. ...
• Hello, my name is ... we were introduced by ... at ... and she told me that you know about ... May I ask you a huge favour, I'm entirely stuck in that matter...
• ...

You will get a 'Yes' or a 'No'. Be happy about the 'Yes' and mentally move that person a bit closer into your network. If it is a 'No' it could be a polite one in which case you would leave the person where it is and probably just amend her/his set of skills. If it is an impolite one - most importantly: Don't take it personally! All you do is to cross this person off your list.

And then you go on networking and having fun with it, and sometimes it might occur that those people somehow trickle back into your life, and it may turn out out that they only had a bad day. As you didn't take it personally, it is easy to take them back in and they may even become friends.

‘Trust yourself!’ and ‘Stay true to yourself!’

Genuineness works best

Don’t believe anybody telling you that you have to change your character to become a good networker. ‘Girl you shouldn’t be so outgoing!’ ‘Girl you should open up more!’ ‘Girl do this...’ Girl do that…’
There is only one thing that I learned and found beneficial, and that you only can learn by putting yourself out there: To let it trickle off your back when somebody is hurting you! In getting in contact with people, you always will bump into some who will hurt you, intentionally or unintentionally. You won’t be able to avoid that by trying to change what is 'your inner self' and adapting to the needs of those people. Tried that, and it almost killed my creativity and hunger for experience. However, what you can do is to top up ‘your inner self’ with a bit of confidence!

Well, Ladies: Let’s cause some ripples!

Related Links: 

Networking – A Serious Game

And THAT's how it’s DONE – Networking Strategy

A Network is a Home

If I were to give a speech...