Finding Motivation

There are the things that we want to do but we procrastinate nevertheless, the things we have to do but don’t like doing, and the things we think we should do but somehow never get round to.

I find myself blaming the lack of motivation in one category on the existence of the others: 'I cannot follow my dream because there is too much house work.', 'I really should go to the gym but if I don’t follow my dream today I will never make it.' Problem is: Shifting things round and round doesn’t get anything done and all that is left is feeling miserable... That is not a good starting point.

The Duties!

The easiest ones to tackle are the duties; the stuff we have to do but which we don’t particularly like doing. Like my fish tank. I like it to look nice, but cleaning it is a bit of a nuisance. To be honest? It’s half an hours work... ½ an hour... girl: Get your rear up and have it done and dusted!

See, the trick lies in ranking the tasks by duration. Get a quick one done and feel good about it. Or choose one that fits into a particular time slot, like: 'between lunch and having to leave the house for a meeting'. Knowing the length of a task and then imagining how it feels when it’s over, gives that little kick to get it done.

Should Do Stuff!

What about the ‘should do stuff'...? Maybe we just shouldn’t! I ditched the sewing course and the Taekwon-Do class. The sewing course was held by a brilliant teacher and I thought the skill could be beneficial at one point in my life. And then it turned out that in order to have the full benefit I would have to do homework... which I never did... I shouldh’ve... but... The Taekwon-Do was a similar story. The effort to actually doing it well was too high for the benefits. Maybe in a few years time I regret, however, when I took the decision I had a big sigh of relief and big rock fell off my shoulders. The one thing that kept me from skipping out earlier was the feeling of having to explain myself to... everybody, basically... ‘you were so excited at the beginning, what happened?’, ‘you were so good at it, why would you want to stop?’, ‘you bought all this equipment, what a waste!’.

No ones business, that is! I try out stuff; some I like, some I don’t, some turn out to be too time consuming, so what? Turns out: There should only be two categories: The stuff we have to do, and the stuff we want to do. If something doesn’t properly fit either – ditch it!

Want to Do Stuff!

Oh, those are tricky little bastards. They are thoughts and desires we use for all sorts of things... and sometimes they should go on the couch of a psychiatrist.

They are wonderful tools for blame... 'You never help in the household, so I don’t get to do stuff'. One could just DO stuff, and letting the work pile up; developing a thick skin, socks wouldn’t be folded, shirts not be ironed, kids favourite meal not be cooked, car not washed... they would find out eventually, that taking some duties off your shoulders would give you the time to be at their service. It however seems that having this blame tool available is more valuable than to actually educate the family. Why else would we stick to NOT doing the things we would like doing?

Maybe we have a rose tinted imagination of how it would be if we were to give it a go, and we somehow know, or fear, that it might not be like that? If there is only one big dream, then sometimes it is nicer to dream the dream than to destroy it with a harsh reality, and then nothing would be left... not even a dream.

Truth is: Every dream requires a lot of work and dedication to become reality, and the reality might look different from what we expected. It is ok to just like the dream and to keep dreaming, but if this little sneaky thought keeps coming back over and over again, and if it doesn’t look rose tinted anymore but takes the colour of a nag, then it might be time to do something about it. Sometimes it needs a good friend who is able to listen and to step into your shoes to get started, sometimes the foundations have to be laid in secret until the confidence has risen to respectable levels to come out, and sometimes we have to listen to some people to find the right kick:

• Alain de Botton: A kinder, gentler philosophy of success
• Richard St. John's 8 secrets of success
• Matt Cutts: Try something new for 30 days
• Derek Sivers: Keep your goals to yourself

However, whatever it is that is needed: Use it and then DO it!

Extreme Challenges and Headfakes

By extreme challenge I don’t necessarily mean climbing Mount Everest or travelling to the South Pole. I mean the sort of thing that you and I can achieve by our own devices, like running a marathon, creating a work of art, or going on stage. These are the things that need guts to decide for and determination to follow through; the things about which people will ask ‘why on earth would you want to do that’... and although the only valid answer is: “Because I want to!” one will have a list of reasons of which one hopes it will satisfy the inquirer.

My challenge is to take part in a bodybuilding competition. For the first time in my life I will be on stage, in a bikini, wearing fake tan, and I will have to give a 90 second performance to music. I am 50 years old, I am not a musical person, and I don’t know what bothers me more.

If I would be asked for the ‘Why?’ my official answer would be: I always wanted to know how I would feel on stage. I cannot sing, I cannot memorise well, so singer and actor are out of the question, but I am good at my sport, and I want to show the world that it is possible to become healthy and fit even if one is past the best-by date.

The unofficial answer would be: Because I want to! I want my 5 minutes of fame! I want to know how far I can push this and if I might even be able to win! Oh yes! I don’t just want to participate, I want to win!

The headfake would be: I want my legs!

A headfake is a task in which one does one thing to achieve another. Good teachers provide headfakes for their students: “Let’s build a robot so you learn mechanics”. What they actually learn, is the boring skill of programming, and they easily do so because the task is fun. My headfake doesn’t provide fun, but a good reason to keep focused. See, I always was yearning for beautiful legs, well shaped and sexy. Life provided me with a substantial layer of padding from hip to ankle, and I never managed to keep my determination during seasonal food binges, and emotional rollercoaster rides like winter depression and monthly cycles.

All of the above makes this a valid extreme challenge, I guess.

... the more that this sort of thing has quite an impact on my lifestyle and hence on my social environment. Let me turn back the clock to 2004 when I innocently started the whole ‘let’s push the envelope’ thing, and when I had no idea on how many levels this battle would take place.

I was two stone fatter, unfit, suffering from back and headaches, and most of all; I was suffering lack of confidence. This is not a good state to be in when wanting to change things which would affect other people’s lives, too. ‘Time management’ became a much used term. The aim was, to get as much as possible out of my time for myself, and to still keep everybody else happy. In self help books this is called ‘keeping the balance’.

Well, I failed! I failed because I followed stereotypes.

I never asked: ‘Whose or what balance am I keeping?’ Only when I start writing about these things I become focused and can see those questions. The intuitive choice of words of the first draft, reveal a lot.

‘The aim was to get as much as possible out of my time for myself ...‘

‘... and to still keep everybody else happy.’

This means a balance between me and others, and not a balance within my life’s tasks.

There is a significant difference between the two. The first means ‘trying things out, but compromising should I lose control over my relationships. The second does not consider other people; it is the impartial focus on me.

I failed because I mixed up the two.

Let’s turn the clock back even further to the time before 2004. I remember my mum and grandma talking about people, who had learned skills and achieved things everybody envied, and then they did ‘one silly thing’ which pushed it too far, and they lost everything. Back then I believed that those people must be mad, and now I find myself in a similar position.

I was a master of adjusting my lifestyle to others and I received appreciation and praise. It made me feel good, but it used all the time I now need to fulfil my own dreams and needs. Now, that I have put my focus on me and hence am tipping the balance, I would wish that others would do that too, adjusting their lives to mine in order to keep it level.

Well, this is not how it works, is it?

People are not interested in changing their lives to match mine... who would have thought...? Moreover, people got inspired by the idea of personal improvement and began to change, too; just into their own direction, not mine.

I failed because I forgot that I CANNOT determine other people’s actions.

However much I might hope, expect, or ask of people: It is THEIR decision to take! And they will take those decisions according to their own constraints, many of which I don’t have a clue that they exist. They have work lives, friends, and families, all putting the pressure on. They are taking their decisions as much as I am taking mine. All my balancing acts to keep people happy, and hence them in my life, were MY choices and thus voluntary. I cannot blame them for holding me back.

I failed because there is no balance to keep in relationships! There is only a balance that I can keep within myself.

Let me put the above into a nutshell: This matter is not about balance, it is about relationships, decisions and blame. Whether we just topple along, negotiate, or compromise, none of it will guarantee that a relationship will remain stable. There are too many unknown parameters, and even the known ones are changing continuously. The only thing that I can control is ME!

My previous lifestyle had left me sick, scared, unconfident, and with a minor job and I decided to make a change to the better for myself. During the past years, I lost the fear of being embarrassed, and of getting old, but the one fear that rules them all I did not dare tackling: The fear of being alone!

Extreme challenges are limited in time. If a life is robustly settled in a relationship scene, this period will not change anything. If there are instabilities, this period will reveal it all. It is impossible to succeed in an extreme challenge, while trying to cover-up, and there is no going back, once it has started. 

The first small changes already had inspired some friends to leave the scene, would bigger changes challenge my close relationships? On the other hand: If a relationship only exists because I am desperately clinging to it, is it worth it?

I had not planned for those questions to arise, and surely not now. In a few weeks time I have to be on stage and I am questioning my entire existence. That is not good timing! Well, the timing comes with the subject, doesn’t it? While unanswered, those questions held me back in achieving my dreams. Now that the challenge has put the cards on the table, I don’t find them daunting anymore. I now know that my headfake is not ‘the legs’ the headfake is ‘to find the person within myself, who I really like, who I can trust and rely on, so that others can do the same.’

I might not have failed after all!